


not going anywhere

by cosmical_soda



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Destruction of Alderaan (Star Wars), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Force-Sensitive Leia Organa, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Han Solo Needs A Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Leia Organa Deserves Better, Leia Organa Needs a Hug, Leia Organa-centric, Married Leia Organa/Han Solo, POV Han Solo, Planet Alderaan (Star Wars), Planet Coruscant (Star Wars), Planet Destruction, Protective Han Solo, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, mainly leia ranting and han being there for emotional support, paranoia and stuff, survivors guilt flares up and han is there to help her through the trauma, theyre both so traumatized okay, writing them working through that together is one of my favorite things, yeah i made her sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:02:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27040954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmical_soda/pseuds/cosmical_soda
Summary: “I fought with Papa over it once. Only once- when I was fifteen. He wasn't mad… Papa didn’tgetmad. But he was disappointed. He told me he expected more of me. That people in our position couldn’t want too much, that we owed too much to everyone else to afford to be able to want… and I understood that. I swear- Iunderstood."There was a pause, and he heard her sharp intake of breath. In a sudden outburst of anger, she banged her fist against his chest, but it was weak."I played by the rules, damnit! I did everything right! I grinned and beared it, I never brought it up again-" Each sentence was enunciated by an onslaught from her fist (still weak, not because she was, but because he knew she had no intention of hurting him, even while upset). He grabbed her wrists on instinct and with that, just as soon as the outburst had flared up, the anger dissipated, and all the will to stay angry (at the world, at fate) seemed to escape her. Breathing shallow, she forced out, "So why…whydid it turn out like this anyway?"
Relationships: Bail Organa & Leia Organa, Leia Organa/Han Solo
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	not going anywhere

He’d expected to find her just where he’d left her, only fifteen minutes prior, before running out to grab lunch. She’d seemed tired and hungry when he’d gone, tired and hungry enough to stay in that one spot after a whole day of unpacking and rearranging, taking calls and declining even more. Their new home wasn't terribly large, so it wouldn’t be too difficult to find her- but _still_. The old worry, the old paranoia… it always lingered. 

Ifs, buts, mights, what ifs, _maybe, just maybe, because you never know-_

Han found her standing on the balcony, staring out at something, her back turned to him. He came up behind her, the handles of takeaway bags still bunched up in his fists, and looked up to see what she’d been drawn to like a moth to the flame. 

The Coruscant skyline stretched out for miles and as far as the eye could see, the shimmering tips of polished skyscrapers pinpricking the gloaming half-lit somewhere faraway, far above them. It was easy to imagine the sight reflecting in her eyes, unbroken for as long as she remained unblinking. 

Han could never look at anything without imagining its destruction. Maybe it was something he’d learned without realizing he’d even learnt it in the first place. If something, anything, existed, it could just as easily _not_ anymore.

If he existed, then it would take a mere split second for that to change. One bad decision. One slow reflex. One unlucky twist of fate.

 _Coruscant_. If this city were to topple, it would fall like dominoes, one heavyset building after the other, their millions of bright lights being extinguished by the hundreds and thousands, the white fire that seemed to set them aflame from the inside out smothered like sand to a bonfire.

 _Leia_. Standing on the edge of the balcony, gazing out at the falling darkness and the glowing city, he could easily see her falling too, perhaps over the railing before which she stood, but not like dominoes. Not like this grand metropolis. Maybe more like a feather, swaying in its spot, then _plunging._ It would ( _could_ ) happen quickly and without warning. And slowly, slowly, she would drift downwards. 

But, he corrected himself, it would only _feel_ slow, because looking back it would feel like if someone had reached out, they _could_ _have_ caught her, snatched her back and brushed her off and held her close against themself.

Safe _. Safe._

But it would have happened too quickly for them to try, despite what the mind tried to delusion a person into thinking in the throes of grief. She would have been gone.

He let out a shaky breath he realized he’d been holding far too long and set down the bags where he was standing. Swallowing hard, he bridged the few feet between them and wrapped his arms around her abdomen, holding her swiftly in place.

 _Safe._ Safe _,_ safe _, safe._

_Not going anywhere._

“I’ve always wanted to live on Coruscant,” Leia said, quietly and without prompting. “I came too many times to count with Mama and Papa for their work. Of course, we went many places, and I loved the travel. But there was something about this planet... the blinding lights, the bustle, the high-rises… it all seemed larger than life. I thought anyone who lived here was among the luckiest in the universe."

“Well, you’re here now, aren’t you? You and I, among the luckiest in the universe," he said, not quite understanding what she was getting at.

“I used to dream about leaving. Somewhere. Anywhere. Did I really see something special in this place or was it just something so different from a palace built upon snow-capped mountains, surrounded by small cities of its own? I even wished on a star once or twice. It was in vain- I knew that. Because I knew I would never be able to, and maybe that was why I did it- because I knew it would never happen. I had a _duty_ \- to my _home,_ to my _parents_ , to my _people_. I’d never wanted for anything before. I didn’t know what it was to _want_ \- not selfishly, at least. How could I have? How could a child who had been given everything and then some ever… _ever…_ ”

She shook her head, and a few loose strands of her hair swayed with the movement. He resisted the urge to reach out and tuck them back behind her ear.

“And then, all of a sudden I _knew_ \- I _knew_ what it was, this strange new feeling, and the sensation was entirely unmatched, and I thought- well, what’s the harm in this? What’s the harm in _wanting_ , what’s the harm in _wishing_ , although in vain- no, _especially_ in vain?"

Her words caught, and she let out a bitter, throaty laugh.

"And then, all of a sudden I found I knew that too. And the harm was larger than the life that I perceived to be Coruscant, or any other planet in this universe..."

The bitter sardonicism in her voice seemed to be too loud even over the nighttime rush of the city. It carried out over the balcony and was lost in the rush of speeders whizzing by in the evening traffic, engines rumbling like a storm too close for comfort. A pit started to form in his stomach, festering and turning in discomfort and anticipation.

"Sweetheart?"

"It's funny- no, not funny. It's so _fucked_ , Han, it's just so fucked." Leia turned her head suddenly, looking at him with dry eyes and a quivering chin. "How years and years of silent wanting manifested in a split second- that I got what I wanted, and it wasn't worth it. Because now, no matter where I go- whether it's here, whether it's Corellia, whether it's Tatooine or Endor or Naboo or Kashyyyk- I will _never_ go _home_ again."

“Gods, Leia... listen to me-”

Her shoulders began to shake, her whole form trembling with the force of her grief.

“I fought with Papa over it once. Only once- when I was fifteen. He wasn't mad… Papa didn’t _get_ mad. But he was disappointed. He told me he expected more of me. That people in our position couldn’t want too much, that we owed too much to everyone else to afford to be able to want… and I understood that. I swear- I _understood_."

There was a pause, and he heard her sharp intake of breath. In a sudden outburst of anger, she banged her fist against his chest, but it was weak.

"I played by the rules, damnit! I did everything right! I grinned and beared it, I never brought it up again-" Each sentence was enunciated by an onslaught from her fist (still weak, not because she was, but because he knew she had no intention of hurting him, even while upset). He grabbed her wrists on instinct and with that, just as soon as the outburst had flared up, the anger dissipated, and all the will to stay angry (at the world, at fate) seemed to escape her. Breathing shallow, she forced out, "So why… _why_ did it turn out like this anyway?"

Her unspoken words hung in the air, words he'd heard her sob before when the guilt all became too much.

 ~~_Why wasn't I satisfied?_ ~~ ~~_Why didn't I know better?_ ~~

~~_Why didn't I do more_~~ _-_ ~~ _I could have done more I should have done_ more~~-

Gently, he sank down onto the floor with her, handling her like something fragile.

“It wasn't supposed to be like this,” she said in a voice so quiet it was barely a whisper.

Han stroked her hair and tried to think of a magic string of words that would effectively put her troubles to bed, like Luke never failed to do with such ease, but nothing came to mind, and Han had never felt more inadequate in his life.

He closed his eyes.

If this city were to crumble, it would crumble into heaps of thick, damp ash and rocky rubble. Shattered glass crunching under boots, fragments like fallen stars, like the ones Leia had silently and secretly wished upon in spite of herself, the same stars that willed it to come true, but at a cost greater than the universe: _her_ universe.

But Leia? If Leia were to crumble, she'd put up a fight, just as she had all her life. She would fall away in his arms after a long struggle, picked up by the wind and scattered into every crevice of the galaxy, fighting till the very last to _stay_. He would be left with nothing but stardust on his hands and streaking his sleeves. She would settle in his lungs, a fine powder, leaving traces behind that he would never be able to sweep away no matter how hard he tried (would he ever even want to?). In her way, she wouldn’t let herself leave completely, but it would be rumoured that if starships were to pass by the asteroid belt that was Alderaan’s cemetery, their captains would see even from the farthest distance the space dust that had settled over the debris, cluttering their nooks and crannies and hardest to reach corners, and they would wonder, wonder, wonder...

Little would they know, it would be the martyr princess coming to rest at last, alongside everything she had lived and died for. 

And this time, she would never leave.

That thought rattled him, so he gripped her a little tighter and prayed that the iron and steel and grit inside of this hurting princess would outweigh the stars in her, that it would hold her down enough to keep her from falling, steady her enough to keep her from crumbling.

" _I want to go home_."

He was quiet for a moment as he again thought about what to say. What his wife did not need was his sympathy, because he knew to attempt to even fathom the pain that she felt every day would be to downplay it completely. Nobody would ever be able to sympathize with what she had gone through that day aboard the Death Star. No, Leia Organa did not need sympathy, she did not need his pity. She needed consistency, she needed comfort, she needed someone who wasn't going to leave.

Someone who wasn't going anywhere.

So he kissed her forehead, held her tighter to him, and repeated the the two words that had never failed to relay a message worth a thousand, even in their bleakest moments.

"I know, sweetheart. Gods, I know."


End file.
